What is IBS and how it destroyed my life

What is Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)

"Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) is a common disorder that affects the stomach and intestines, also called the gastrointestinal tract. Symptoms include cramping, abdominal pain, bloating, gas, and diarrhea or constipation, or both. IBS is a chronic condition that you'll need to manage long term." Some people have it more severe than others. Some people can manage it better, for others it's harder.

"IBS is a functional disorder. Even though the digestive tract looks normal, it doesn't function as it should. Muscles in the intestines move food from the stomach to the rectum. Normally, they contract and relax in a gentle rhythm that moves the food along in a fairly predictable schedule. But with some people, the muscles in the intestines spasm. That means the contractions are longer and stronger than normal. Those spasms are painful. They also disrupt the movement of food through the intestines. If they slow it down, you become constipated. If they cause it to move through too quickly, you get diarrhea. It's not unusual for people to alternate between the two. Another cause of discomfort for people with IBS results from oversensitive nerve endings in the digestive tract. Small bubbles of gas that wouldn't bother most people might be quite painful for you. Your heightened sensitivity can also lead to swelling and bloating."

How IBS destroyed my life and how it affects my life

IBS is an incurable illness, that means that IBS cannot be cured and I have to live with IBS till the end of my life.

I cannot go outside without taking pills (Imodium). This is why I do not go outside almost at all. I'm inside these 4 walls almost all the time (most of the time I don't go out for months) and this is very depressing. I feel very lonely as it's hard/impossible to make and keep friends if one doesn't go out. All my life is online, in the virtual world. My laptop is my best friend and my love.

This is the main reason why I started with streaming and I stream until today - it's because I can only work from home (long term). Why I chose streaming over programming (web development) that I used to do before - it's because I love gaming and helping people, and since I feel so incredibly lonely all the time, streaming gives me a way how to talk to people and feel less lonely. Programming is a very lonely work when you only ever talk to your customer, I loved to do programming as well, but the loneliness of that work was killing me. It's better for my mental health to keep some connection with the world, be it only online, and streaming can give me that, that's how I can socialize and feel like I'm among people.
But streaming so far doesn't earn me enough for paying everything I need to pay, for example I cannot afford to buy food, I'm getting food from food bank, which is many times rotten or of questionable quality, which made me be very sick a few times. They also give us a lot of junk food that is not good for my health, but I have no choice, I have to eat what they give me, if I don't want to be hungry. 
So I'm working hard to make my earnings from my stream better, so one day I can afford to pay all my bills and buy some good food as well.

What caused my IBS
My IBS was caused by my ex cheating on me for about a year, I suspect the combination of some bacteria from that girl + the insane stress from the cheating that made me be unable to walk for a few days (I felt too dizzy etc.) and also caused many health problems, resulting in me visiting a doctor, because I felt like my body was falling apart everywhere, I had pain everywhere, and felt like I was about to die. The doctor did some tests and everything was fine and told me I was just "unhappy". So they offered me some pills against anxiety/depression, but I knew such pills were no good and so I asked if they had some natural version and not so strong. They gave me something like that, I tried it for 2 days, but it made me feel so much worse that I was at the border of not being able to handle it anymore and I was feeling like I was about to lose consciousness or go crazy. I stopped to take this stuff immediately and I started to feel so much better. My initial status was so much easier to deal with.

At that point I didn't know the constant diarrhea I had was not just a temporary thing caused by the stress, but a chronic thing. I understood that later, when my stress levels went down but the diarrhea wasn't getting better. It was so bad that I could not step outside of my doors, literally, the moment I put my foot out of the doors I had to run back to washroom, repeatedly, many times. Even when I thought there could be nothing inside of me anymore, because everything had to be out already, it repeated again. After about 7 tries and 3h spent in the washroom I gave up trying. I wasn't even able to go take out the trash.

I thought this would get better if I just waited some more time, give it few more months, maybe I was still stressed too much.
It never got better. I had to visit a doctor that did few tests and then finally diagnosed me with IBS and told me coldly "this is incurable, go buy Imodium and you keep taking it till the end of your life".

I couldn't imagine living with this till the end of my life and so I visited more doctors, who told me the same thing, but one doctor also offered me different pills that should slow down my metabolism permanently. So I agreed to take them and they did make it a little bit better, now I at least was able to make it far enough out of the doors so I could take out the trash.
But apart from that it didn't solve anything, I still was not able to go out (if I don't count the few metres to the trash cans). Side effect was that after taking these pills I was more fat.

And so I went back to the doctor and he told me well I have one more pills to give you, but these will not only slow down your metabolism further (which would make me very fat), but they will also affect your brain (they were I guess anti-depressants or something like that, I don't remember exactly).

This freaked me out, as I didn't want my brain to be affected in any way, as I know what side effects can such pills cause - they might make it worse rather than better - I had some experience with this already when I took the natural not so strong version of them, that made me feel a lot worse. And imagining me becoming very fat/obese I would be too ashamed of myself to go out anyways and this would destroy my life on another level I wasn't ready accepting, plus that would cause other health problems from being too fat/obese.
And there was no guarantee that these pills would make it so much better that my life would be like before, I would never need to worry anymore and I wouldn't need Imodium. I honestly did not think these pills would solve it for good, the doctor was also only talking about making it better rather than fixing it. How much better? No one could know that in advance. Once I would take these pills, there was no going back, as their effect would be permanent. So I could end up permanently fat/obese and crazy, with IBS still not better enough so I could live a normal life. Which would only make my life worse and not really better. So I didn't think these pills would be any real help. That's maybe why other doctors didn't even bother offering them, because they knew it wouldn't really solve anything, I'd still have to keep taking Imodium, so why bother.

So I refused these pills and went home devastated as I knew there was nothing else that could be done about this and I had to live like this from now on. This made me so devastated that I thought my life ended and caused me to cry every day for months. It took me 5 years to accept my life the way it was now and learn to live with IBS, learn to live in a way so it limits me the least possible. Even then my life how I knew it until then was destroyed, it was never coming back and I could do nothing about it. Extremely lonely life inside 4 walls was in front of me, making me question if I can ever be happy this way, if this life was still worth living.

What's my life like with IBS
Even if I take pills (Imodium), it is not 100% guaranteed I will be able to go out or when exactly I will be able to go out, since these pills do not always work or how fast they work is different. That depends on my stress level, what I ate/drank and other factors. Pills usually start to work after 4h after taking them (that's when I feel safe to go out as I don't feel any intestines movement anymore). When I feel they don't work, I take more pills and I'm forced to wait till they start to work. If I'm too stressed, sometimes even 5 pills don't do anything and I should not take more per day than 4. This is why I'm too unreliable for any job outside of my home long-term, because some days I wouldn't be able to come to work at all, some days I'd arrive hours later etc. and I cannot give any heads up. This would get me fired from the job.

Another problem is that I cannot take these pills every day. Taking them every day sometimes causes me not to go to washroom for whole week, which causes insane stomach pain, very painful cramps especially in my legs and feet that make me scream and cry, and blood going out of my butthole. This sometimes happens even if I take these pills just for 1 day or 2, but the longer I take them the worse this gets. This is why I try to avoid taking them and I rather don't go out at all. I could take them somewhat safely probably 2, max 3 times a week, it depends on if my body gets enough time to go to washroom in the meantime. After I go to washroom, then it's safer to take pills again. This, however, cannot be guaranteed, so even if I had a job for just 2 days a week I still cannot be reliable enough to come on time/come at all every time.
It's because pills don't work every time, they work differently, last different times, sometimes I get panic, etc. It's too unreliable to be able to say "Yes, I will be there at this hour for sure". The best I can say is that "I will try my best to be there, but I will need a lot of luck". This is my body, it's nature and one cannot control nature.

Sometimes I can take pills just one day and it will cause me not to go to washroom for 5 days and sometimes the pills would only work for few hours, not even a full day and I have to go find a washroom while still outside. Sometimes they don't work at all. It's unpredictable, I can never tell in advance how long they can last. This is why attending anything that lasts for many hours, like a job that lasts for 8h, is very complicated and risky, especially if it involves going to some other places outside for meetings etc. during the 8h shift or staying at a place without washroom.

When I go outside, I have a map of washrooms in my head, I always think about in case of emergency where I can go. I avoid going to places where there is no washroom around in like 5 minutes walk radius. When I get the urge to go to washroom, I know I have only 2-5 minutes to make it there. It goes incredibly fast once it happens. It's these crazy situations where at first I feel ok and then 5mins later this completely changes and I need to go to washroom NOW.

I also avoid going out after I ate, because eating makes my intestines move and that means higher probability of me needing to go to washroom. This means I go out usually hungry, to make sure I can make it to the place where I need to go. Since it's the worst in metro/bus, because there is no washroom inside and I have to stay there until the stop where I need to get out. I cannot afford to get out in the middle of the way because of emergency, because I wouldn't make it so far to the closest washroom since I wouldn't even know where I am and what's around that stop, where is any washroom, and that would also make me come to the goal destination a lot later, since I'd have to wait for another bus, that might come minutes, but also hours later. Once there I check if washroom is near, if yes, I can eat something there. So I take food with me (since I cannot afford to buy any food, and when we are at it - another reason why I don't go out is because I cannot afford to pay for bus/metro).

When I tested it and I took pills 5 days a week, every working day, to test if I will be able to go to a job, what happened was that I didn't go to washroom the whole week and then on the weekend the body didn't feel like going to washroom from all these pills, so on Monday I had to take the pills again, this meant me not going to washroom for 8 days and counting. I could imagine how toxic the 8 days old food in my intestines could be by this time and if left inside for even longer and I didn't want to risk my health anymore as I felt like if I continued taking pills I could cause my own death with this. The pain after 8 days was unbearable. I always felt like vomitting, because the food couldnt get inside anymore, because no space, so it was trying to get outside the way it came inside. When I finally went to washroom few days later, my poop was so big and hard it couldn't get out, even if the pressure was immense, I ended up injuring myself with it, my butthole cracked badly, lots of blood was everywhere and it took a long time till it stopped bleeding (since then my butt would bleed every time I'd go to washroom, because it would crack again at the same spot, since it was too weak there). I was in so much pain. I was crying and screaming the whole time, I was afraid something would break inside of me and I'd die. This all scared me for life and I never want to go through this ever again. This means I'm unable to go to a job that is every day Mon-Fri.

I cannot live spontaneously, what I mean is that I cannot just decide let's go to a cinema, to a fast food for coffee or whatever. I have to wait 4h before going anywhere, wait for the pills to start to work. My days have to be planned. This takes away the majority of fun from my life, it takes away any excitement from going anywhere, in fact going anywhere is always a stressful endeavor, which only makes it harder to go anywhere as stress is making my pills work less. Usually by the time the 4h pass I already lost all mood to go anywhere.
If I need to go somewhere early in the morning, I have to get up during night to take the pills (eg. I have an appointment at 8am, so I have to get up at 4am to take the pills). Since once I wake up I cannot fall asleep anymore, it takes me hours to fall asleep, especially if I slept some before, so when I get up I'm incredibly tired and useless for the rest of the day. So I end up going to sleep again after I come back home, which messes up my sleep schedule.

I avoid walking fast, because the faster I walk the more my intestines move. Fast walk causes stress, makes me feel like I'm in time pressure and have to hurry, which makes pills work less.

When I'm outside, sometimes I get panic, I'm sweating everywhere, I get dizzy and super stressed, it's usually at places where I feel trapped and I see no way to go to washroom for long minutes or hours. It's for example when I'm stuck in traffic - one cannot get out of there at all, must wait till it decides to move, and going out to shit on the highway in front of hundreds of people watching and recording it on their phones is not an option either. Another example is in bus/metro, because I know I'm stuck there and I can only get out at the goal destination, otherwise I won't make it in time.
This panic makes the situation even worse, because when stressed, the pills work less, so I get into this vicious circle of panic that causes more stress, which causes pills to work less, which causes even more stress and panic, which causes pills to work even less or not at all.
 
This is why I usually have to go to places a lot of time in advance, like hours in advance, to make sure that if something happens on the way I still will be able to make it. This means eg. instead of getting up at 6:30am to make it for an appointment at 8am, I have to get up at 4:30 and be at bus stop at 5:30 which is when the first bus goes. Which means I have to get up at 1:30am to take the pill, which means I will not sleep much during such night and I'd go sleep when I come home, which messes up my sleep schedule. But sometimes even that is not enough, because if stuff gets bad and I have to take another pill, I have to wait on that spot till the pill starts working, and because I'm in time pressure I'm getting stressed more and more, which makes this pill not to work either, so I take another one after I see it's not getting better and I have to wait more, this process can take long hours and this is how giving myself 2h extra might not be enough in some cases. And then long hours later, after I missed my appointment and I decide to go home instead, at home, when not stressed anymore, these pills now start to work all at the same time and cause bad pain and cramps and butthole bleeding later.
Sometimes it's so bad I cannot even go out of home at all. That happens usually when it's something very important that I cannot afford to miss - I'm so stressed from its importance that it feels like I took no pills at all and I'm in panic from that the pills don't work and that I will for sure miss it, which makes it even worse and I can't go out at all.

The key is to always remain calm, no matter what happens. I trained myself well in this over the years, but there are things in life that are too bad - sometimes my body will get stressed regardless of how well I'm trying to control the level of stress, sometimes I can't do anything about it if it's too bad.

So when I go out it's always very unpredictable how that will go. I can never know in advance and I have to be ready for the worst.
When I feel really bad but I cannot cancel going out, I take with me extra clothes, just in case I'd need to change in case the worst would happen - it's a huge risk! I usually cry the whole way there, because of how bad and scared I feel.

It is real hell to live like this, I wish this to no one!

How IBS got me fired from my job
Since my job wasn't so far (5mins from where I was living by car), it was usually ok to drive there + I didn't eat before going out so I hopefully increase the chances of being able to get to work. I ate at work, which was sort of tolerated, but they did complain from time to time, that I eat instead of working.

I also cooked and ate my lunch at work, instead of going to eat out with my boss and coworkers, which was regarded as unfriendly and refusing to be a part of the team, destroying their teambuilding.

My boss was very friendly and he always tried to engage in a friendly talk, but when he asked me a simple "How are you?", I started crying uncontrollably (because my ex cheated on me and I felt devastated and I could only control myself for as long as no one asked about it). This repeated couple of times.

I had a bit movable hours, so I usually came late in the morning or early in the afternoon, which was too late, rarely I wouldn't come at all and I'd call my boss and took holidays. When/if I came depended on how my intestines felt.
This was also complained about, but sort of tolerated. So I always stayed till late in the evening until the max I could stay so I could work the hours I missed, I'd stay even till night or until morning so I could simply continue working in the morning, which would be much easier for me, but that wasn't allowed.
Second reason, why I stayed till the max, was because I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to see my ex, because that always made me feel super down.

Well, this all wasn't the worst.
The main problem was that they kept asking me to go by car to do some errands, which I refused to do, because my intestines were moving and I was sure I'd poop myself on the way. So I wasn't doing what was my job duty and other people had to do it in my place, but sometimes they weren't available and the work was not done. I didn't do this even once.

Then we had a lot of meetings in some other cities, where we had to go by car. This was another huge problem. I'd try to avoid any meeting I could, which was already very bad, but once we had to go to some important meeting to headquarters - that was a very serious meeting and I just had to go.
So we went there with my boss and coworkers in a car and I told them to stop the car after few minutes almost at the end of our city and I ran out and there was a sidewalk where people were walking and behind it was a park. So I ran into the park and when I reached the park and found the first tree to hide behind, I kept pooping there for good 20 minutes. Then I ran back to the car, only to run back to the park once again and pooping there for another 10mins. I ran back to the car again and I was about to run back to the park for the third time when they told me they can't wait any longer for me, it's either I get into the car or they go without me. So I said give me 5 mins, I ran back to the park, pooped some more and ran back to the car.
Now I had no choice but to get in the car and pray for the best. I was crying the whole way, shaking from fear, panicking, telling them I can't go any further, but they basically said shut up and man up and refused to stop. After some time they stopped at a pharmacy where they bought some pills for diarrhea for me and brought it into the car. I took the pills, but the drive wasn't any easier, I kept silently sobbing the whole time so they at least wouldn't hear it.
These pills started to work only few hours after we arrived to the headquarters. So at least I was able to stay during the second half of the meeting. The majority of the first half of the meeting I spent at the washroom. The headquarters big boss of course noticed and after the meeting they were talking about me, without me.
Since then I'd never go to any more meetings, my boss didn't even bother to ask me to go to any meeting again, after the last horrible experience. I suppose it was already obvious I was gonna get fired and so he decided not to torture me anymore with any more meetings, when it wasn't needed anymore.

It was near the end of my 1-year contract and so they decided they just gonna wait till the contract ends and then they will not give me another one. Before, they promised me a contract for period undefined, but instead I got a bye bye.

I did not attempt to find a job outside of home since, because they were very nice to me, understanding and tolerating, because I knew my boss since I was a kid and so he really tried his best to keep me there, but it still wasn't enough to make me keep the job. I knew I'd have no chance anywhere else, with no protector to defend me.

Never cheat on your partner!
Never cheat on your partner, because you have no idea how much your cheating can destroy your partner's life. Many people think it's fun and nothing's gonna happen, but you have no idea how wrong you are! Stop being so selfish, care about your partner's health (that including STDs, that very many people take too lightly and think it won't happen to them, they never use protection, one example for all - my ex stated "I knew she was healthy, because I checked her down there, I looked and I saw nothing wrong" - while he was in a car with her during night in complete darkness - seriously?! he could see nothing, I bet he never bothered to check and simply lied, and that wouldn't have been enough anyways, since not everything can be seen - be responsible, don't cheat, because even if, in the best case scenario, you use protection and have your mistress take STDs tests before you do anything with her - even then it's never 100% safe!). I got lucky, I "only" caught curable stuff from his cheating (apart from the incurable IBS) and later STDs tests were all negative. But considering she was the biggest whore of the town and slept with the whole town and surrounding towns (which he didn't know, but my friends knew her all too well and confirmed this) this was still incredibly lucky.
Think also about the emotional damage you will cause, that can cause a variety of very severe illnesses, including death! Kissing, sharing things/food/drinks is dangerous too! Be an adult, be responsible! Do not risk that something similar or worse could happen to your partner like what happened to me (IBS), do not put someone else's health at risk - you have no right to do that! Do not cheat!